Scars & Struggles

It’s a new year, a new decade; which for me means a time of reflection on the last one. I thought I had gone through the toughest season of my life, and to my surprise, I was completely wrong. Towards the end of 2019, I had entered into a new season that literally broke me.

Everything was going well. I was able to go to New York and enjoy the company of my family. I got involved with an organization known as Women of Worth, and my church was pushing me closer to Christ. However, once school had started, everything began to change. As a junior in college, I knew this year would be tough, but this was a level of stress I had never experienced before. The pressure of school and the excessive workload were triggering factors that had pushed me into a state of constant worry and anxiety. Even after lessening my workload, I was still left worrying about my future and feeling uneasy about life in general.

As the days went by, I had noticed a loss of interest in hanging out with my friends or doing things I would normally be happy to do. I started to eat less and sleep more. I dreaded waking up and having to go through another day. I had lost my genuine joy. I was frustrated because I knew this wasn’t me, but there was nothing I could do to get out of my “dark pit”. I couldn’t explain to my parents what was going on, leaving them to assume that it was their fault, which hurt me too.

Only a few people at school knew what I was going through, which forced me to put up a front that exhausted me. I was so tired of feeling the way I did and not being able to do anything about it. This was not the life I knew I was called to live, but everything I tried to do on my own didn’t work. I questioned God and wondered why he would leave me while I faced my new reality of depression.

We, as believers, are not called to a life of anxiety. This wasn’t new information to me. In fact, I actually began to read the Bible more and pray to God hoping to find the joy I lacked. After trying so hard and being persistent in my effort, I grew tired and weary from seeing no change. I began to experience shame and guilt. Part of me felt as though I couldn’t come to the Father’s presence anymore, while the other part didn’t see the hope in it. I slowly started to pull away from God. Negative thoughts crept in, convincing me that this was how it was going to be for a while and that there was nothing that I, nor God, could do about it. That was what the devil wanted me to think. He snuck into my mind at my most vulnerable state and convinced me that nothing or no one could help me.

I finally decided that I wanted to talk to a counselor.

The decision was a tough one; especially because of the stigma around mental health in our community, but I just couldn’t take living like this any longer. And after attending a few sessions, I was beginning to understand that what I was feeling was common for many people. My counselor was able to help me rationalize what was going on in my mind and provide resources and exercises to deal with my anxious thoughts.

Also during this time, my youth pastor was preaching a series about the very topics of depression and anxiety; and there were people/mentors in my life who had come in seeing me broken, and were determined to help me pick myself up again.

Although I did not go through the physical heat of fire like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego did in Daniel 3, I still felt like I was being burned with everything going on in my life. Daniel 3:17 says, “If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand”.

I had a hard time believing that God was on His way to rescue me and that one of these days all the suffering would be over; however, it wasn’t until I stumbled upon this passage when I realized that He was with me in this fire the entire time. Taking my suffering along with me, allowing me to be “… hard-pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed”, 1 Corinthians 4:8-9.

It’s when I had lost my hope in the Lord and believed that my fears were bigger than Him that I started to feel like I was drowning. But the Lord saved me Every. Single. Time.

It wasn’t until a couple of months later that I was able to see the result of my suffering. Through this season of constant anxiousness and depression, my faith and dependency on God was able to grow. I was being refined for a greater purpose: to help those around me who were also struggling.

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything”, James 1:2-4.

Here are a couple of verses that helped me get through this season:

Matthew 11:28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest”. Psalm 68:19 “Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens”. Psalm 23:4 “Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me”. Psalm 66:9-10 “He has preserved our lives and kept our feet from slipping. For you, God, tested us; you refined us like silver”. Isaiah 43:2 “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze”. John 8:36 “So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed”. 1 Peter 2:9 “But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light”. 1 Peter 1:6-7 “In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have cone so that the proven genuineness of your faith — of greater worth than gold, which perished even though refined by fire — may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed”. Exodus 14:14 “The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still”.

If you are dealing with anxiety or depression yourself, I urge you to talk to someone whether it be a friend, a mentor, a pastor, or a counselor to get the help you need. God has placed specific people/occupations on the earth to aid in our health and development.

We are not meant to suffer alone.

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